Big plans were made and an alpine(ish) start was had. After a faffless(ish) visit to a number of delightful Leeds locations, Shakely directs fergus straight to the wrong cave and u-turns are made. Getting to Sleets we are joined by several other car loads of cavers, who must all have had the same idea. At this point we elect to race them in and forget that we should discuss our plans and not be dicks. Following some brief nudity we slide down the scree and immediatly take a wrong turn into a tiny bouldery dead end. We back out awkwardly and decide that we should take the nice large obvious tunnel instead.

[insert 15 minutes of uninteresting walking and discussions about the mud here].

Arriving at the beginings of the fun bit Shakely decides that we should go through the fun boulder chokes instead of the nice streamway, Shakely fits easily through these but Fergus’s boobs were too big. After many attempts another way is found and the dynamic duo begin the long cold crawl. At this point; Fergus discovered Shakely was wearing a pink and white bikini and Shakely discovered she had a hole in her wetsuit.

[insert paragraph here about heroic overcoming of arduous passage with reference to spiritual enlightenment and uncovering of the greater truth]

After a brief “ooh look a ramp, that’s interesting but i’m glad we didnt come all that way just to see it”, we begin getting ready for some sump action when a team from york arrive to look at the ramp. This team is amused to dicover that Shakely has chosen Sleet’s Gill for her first sump and are slightly more amused to dicover this is, infact, only my 3rd cave. “Onwards to the sump” says I, in dramatic fasion. Shakely elects to be the pioneering type, completely forgets that you dive to go under the water and promptly swims into the roof. While Shakely recovers I dive the sump to show how it’s done and stand about looking cool untill Shakely arrives. We briefly investigate the remaining caverns and head back. Shakely feels that having a light makes the sump too easy and forgoes it for the return dive. “I’m so shakey” says Shakely. “I’m quite warm” says I. “Piss of” says Shakely

[insert paragraph here about a more heroic overcoming of arduous passage once cold and slightly tired with reference to spiritual enlightenment and realisation that the aforementioned greater truth was in fact a false pretense]

The way back was essentially the same as the way in but with less wrong turns. The final ascent of the scree slope could allow for a contrived metaphore about the uphill battle against many small irritations but I won’t bother.

At the surface we meet a caver who has discovered that every single thing in the whole world is great wworking of the basis that it isn’t hypothermia passage. We decide that this is enough reason to sack of the rest of our plans and go to the pub for warm beer and cold soup.

The end.

F

This is a mostly true account of actual events that actually happened, like with actual people, like we actually did go to an actual cave, like actually.